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Holy Asian Jesus,

Has it really been that long since I posted an entry. So many things, so little time, only so much lube... So keep you bitches up to date on the goings on in the fabulous life of Lady J, here are some keywords to scan for: poisonous Taiwanese non-aggressive cobra, church, lucky dog shit, twinks for breakfast, church, divorce, pig flu, dog flu, cobra flu, did I mention the poisonous Taiwanese non-aggressive cobra? Needless to say I haven't been the same since incident 239.0 code name Cobra - which I will get to later.

Ok, so sometime in May I took a trip to Hong Kong. It was awesome. For the first time in my life an English boy picked me up in a gay bar by asking me if I wanted some pig flu. oink oink bitches oink oink cough. Pig Flu was the rage back then, now it's Lady Gaga. After taking a US50 taxi ride to his friend's house where he was staying while on holiday, you know Lady J don't pay, being chased by a pack of wild dogs, breaking a wall sized mirror into pieces, and many hours later actually finding the residence, I got laid.

Meanwhile, back in Taipei, I thought I got married, when I guess accidentially I didn't eat wedding cake, it was Hanakuah cake. Darn Jews. Argh!!!! :P So the wedding didn't actually go through and the wedding didn't count - even though a divorce shortly followed. On a lighter note, I recently found that that in Taiwanese culture - stepping on dog shit is lucky. Sometimes it pays not to be lucky.

As for the Taiwanese non-aggressive cobra incident aka incident 239.0 - well for about a period of three months I was regularly going to a river deep in the mountains and pulling some Indiana Jones bullshit and hiking in a river to a majestic waterfall and swimming with my dates. Well somehow, 1 boy turned into a sex machine and started to make out with me for lack of a better word in the waterfall. It was hot even though I've never been a fan of outdoor sex, mosquitos hell!! All of a sudden his face turned stone cold and he kept staring behind me. I was like, so um, are there people behind us? Maybe you should get off me then. He shook his head no. And then somehow I could pinpoint where the fear was cominng from and I said, "Is there a snake behind us?" and he shook his head yes. Holy Asian jesus I was out of that water with my pants on before he got out. I might be one fat bitch, but fuck the bullshit, I can move.

From land, I could see the snake with his head out of the water just watching us. It was a fucking cobra. Not a cobra mind you a fucking cobra. Any cobra that likes to watch people fuck, is a fucking cobra. Fortunately, its Taiwanese, so its non-aggressive, friendly, and likes to watch. Ever since my life has changed. I swear to god. You thought I was living life to the fullest before then you have seen nothing yet. I go out and party HARD now like the next day a cobra is going to bite me and send me to that big pizza pie in the sky.

As for twinks for breakfast, in my recent re-discovery of church aka the dance floor, one night on a trip to Mecca with my muslim indian friend here (no joke) we went to a packed dance club full of 19 year old twinks. He said in a deep Indian accent, "holy shit, this club is packed full of 19 year olld twinks." Then one challenged me to a dance off, I was so drunk I couldnt even see. I muttered I eat twinks for breakfast, did the worm under this boy while I was breakdancing on the floor, while on my knees lifted this bitch up on my shoulders, and then started to breakdance. My indian friend kept screaming in a deep accent, ""Jon, put her down this instant!"" I had about 20 people around us judging from the picture that was taken just screaming and going wild. And for a period of 5 minutes I was breakdancing with the holy ghost and breakfast on my shoulders. I have pictures of this , available on request for a small shipping and handling fee of 19.95 .


see you on the dance floor bitches..

Murder She Wrote is the new Marlboro

I wish I could be starting this entry with stories and tales of my exotic life in East Asia, but as luck would have it - this
one is all about my new addiction.  Being a chainsmoker for the last 6 months draws parallels with my new true addiction, Murder She Wrote. This show was popular in the late 1980's. The lead character could pass as my mother's twin sister.
At first glance, the show seems like crap.  Kind of like smoking your first cigarette. Then, even though both are unfashionable now a days and predictible as all hell, you still can't figure out how your still watching/smoking.  Upon analysis, Murder She Wrote is a rip off of Scooby Doo.  Still trying to figure out why this damn show has drawn me in, I think it's because I imagine my mother in the role as lead mystery writer/perpetual murder witness. 

My new Chinese name is Chung Shung, roughly translated into manly bear. I ams what I ams. It's better than my previous one, Jing Ning, which means peaceful view. What the hell was I thinking?! How was I going to get laid with a name like peaceful view? Would you rather be fucked by a peaceful view or a manly bear? That's what I thought. :)  

On a completely unrelated note; my friends are so sexy here it's like I'm the token fat girl of an Asian Melrose Place.  
The other day when I was hanging out with Batman, I was like Holy shit, Batman. And he was like what Boy Wonder. And at that momentI felt like a scene from the "Wonder Years" was occuring when that creepy voice-over from a 40+ man was narrarating the life and times of the akward 16 year old boy sitting in high school. My how my life has changed in the last 6 months alone; for me and most of my friends. I'd like to think, for the better, but at the moment I'm uncertain.

I'm finally reading at a 6th grade level, most of my close friends have endured some kind of break-up and or personal tragedy, I'm getting grey hair in my beard and looking more and more like a sexy Geroge Clooney and hopefully not like a dying Liz Taylor, I care more for my 4 houseplants than I do for traveling, I'm smoking more than Lucille Carmichael Migilicutty Ball before she kicked the bucket, I'm watcing Larry King Live more than the Simpsons, and I'm having some of the hottest sex in my life. If I was a soap opera right now, I'd be "As the Condom Wrapper Tears..." in which I'd play the slutty mysterious Navy doctor who has a patch on his right eye and bangs every patient within 5 nautical miles." Praise Asian Jesus.

As for the facts and figures. He's 19 and thinks I'm 22. I taught 5 year olds a while back and they know more than me. Finally, I was getting, "Wow your Chinese is fantastic!" for a while until yesterday when I was speaking Chinese to a taxi driver and he apologized for not being able to understand my Engrish and drove off.  Curse Asian Jesus.    

As always,
5 nautical miles from Taipei, Taiwan.

How to survive a midlife crisis...


I know what your thinking, how the fuck are you having a midlife crisis? For the first time in over five years, I am truly happy and personally fufilled. I'm so happy with my current situation, I sidelined my dream to visit 30 countries by 30. I have an awesome job which makes the same amount as a doctor here, about 7 boyfriends at the moment, 6 of which speak English I might add, a fabulous decopague egg collection, and an apartment Martha Stewart would be proud of.

However, the other day, I realized that I did something so not Miss Jon. I turned down an offer to go dancing and raise the proverbial "roof" so I could buy 4 house plants and take care of them on the first night. I had money to blow (hence why I bought 4 bushes) and time mind you, but  I put the plants before my dancing career.  The next day I realized what I had done. I experienced a similar situation where after the second election where George Bush won in 2004, I ate 2 large Pizza Hut pizzas, the contents of my refrigerator -- which was full at the time, and a cake. I lost my fucking mind and went into a state of depression that lasted about 3 days.  That was then, this is now. 

To combat the effects of my first midlife crisis - I took action.  I went dancing from 10 p.m. until 8:30 a.m. that night, called my 19 year old porn star looking boyfriend - couldn't speak to him since he doesn't speak Engrish, we have a system of grunts over the phone, and winks in person -- It's effective trust me, and kept up with my current habit of smoking at least a pack a day.   Life is great isn't it?


Other than that, the plants are doing fine. 

 

I miss you bitches, send me an email johnnyjappleseed@yahoo.com and tell me what your doing, who you sleeping with, what your licking, and whats in your pocket, and I'll chat you up 1 on 1.

Taiwan (technically) 2.2

 

Boy of boy how times have changed for me, regarding maturity and responsibility. A year ago today, I would of used the excuse, “Sorry, I can’t hang out, I need to be prepared to administer oral sex.” When in fact, I caught myself last night saying, “Sorry I can’t hang out, I need to be prepared to administer an oral test to a group of elderly male Taiwanese taxi drivers.” I suppose I could still use the oral sex line in conjunction with the taxi drivers… Oh the stories, these walls would tell. Taxi Cab Confessions 7 eat your heart out.  

On a completely unrelated note, I have always loved going through different supermarkets and spending hours staring at the insane packaging jobs the inedible products have gone under. Japan would be a wet dream if I could ever make it. However, shopping for groceries in Taiwan is no easy task due to the proximity of the dog food section to the vegetarian chicken nuggets section; it’s virtually inseparable. And the packaging gives no clue to the mysteries that lies within.      

You know you have reached the ranks of the upper-middle class when you walk into your bathroom and realize for the first time in your life that you own not one, but three towels. It took me over three years living on my own in California to possess my first towel, and in the last 3 months alone, I have acquired a total of three real towels. I earned these towels fair and square. Towels don’t come cheap you know. Once you get them, you have to keep track and make sure they don’t get pilfered from your house like they do at Holiday Inn. What’s next? Two pillows on my bed? Oh the possibilities!!! Salad forks in my kitchen drawer? I’m getting goosebumps.

Remember the old adage, “All men are created equal?” Well, I’m finding truth within this mantra more and more everyday. I was technically dating someone for three months in Taipei. And I recently discovered that men really are created equal, they are all ASSHOLES. Breakups are never pleasant, although Ellen DeGeneres made out like a bandit after her breakup with Anne Heche. Hello, the girl wasn’t even gay in the first place… However, technically their breakup was horribly messy. Let me take a brief moment out of my all men are ASSHOLES tangent to brief you on the Heche-DeGeneres break up.

Days after her breakup and moving out of their shared home, Heche was picked up by police in a rural area of California’s Central valley, where she was found wandering in a confused state claiming to be looking for a spaceship that was supposed to be meeting her. {It's only embrassing if you get caught - trust me on this!} Later in the year, Heche wrote in her biography that this event was a culmination of many years of living with a second personality. Back to my recent breakup story; fortunately, mine wasn’t as crazy as that, but I must mention that my ex wanted his Head and Shoulders shampoo back and two towels. I had to politely tell him; fuck off, possession is 9/10ths of the law.   Oh the nerve of some guys. 

Taiwan 2.1

I have definitely found myself in the land of mixed messages. On my first day in Taiwan, a recruiter from my school informed me that I was lucky to get the job because my photo sent in with the application (yes that is legal in Asia) gave off the initial impression of don’t let this man around children. Or cheese for that matter. However, I’m now receiving feedback from Taiwanese guys that I remind them of a teddy bear and that’s why I’m found generally attractive to the general population. The jury is still out on how I feel with being compared to a child’s play thing. But wouldn’t you think if one group of society (gay Asian males ages 18 – 26, smokers, uncut) sees me as cute and cuddly the other group (90% heterosexual, 10% homosexual, both genders, ages 4 – 6, non smokers, uncut) would view me in the same light? 

 

Change is refreshing, and for the first time in my life I don’t have to use my wonderfully creative brain to think of excuses to “stay the night” at a guy’s house. The old tried and true – “I’m sorry, I lost a contact, can I wait until the sun comes out so I can at least make out the shadows? I promise, I won’t take up too much space..” Now they are starting to make up excuses to stay over in the Bat Cave. Yes, I really do refer to my place as the Bat Cave. “Umm…. The bus has stopped running. Can I wait until the morning when it starts running again? Got any Pringles? Cigarettes?”

 

There is an old Chinese proverb that says “Once you learn how to ride a bicycle, you never forget.” This saying is widespread in the west. There is an updated Taiwanese proverb that states, “The Taiwanese never actually learn how to ride a bicycle, they just do it.”

 

As far as recent events go… I finally found something I love more than cheese. I now have my very own brand new boyfriend. We’ll see how long it last since I’m known for breaking and staining everything. :P Also, my album single, “Your mom, my dad.” is climbing the charts in Taiwan. Seriously, it has become an epidemic here. I couldn’t imagine that it would be as successful as it would be. For those who didn’t know, not only am I Taiwan’s number one dancing sensation, I’ve dabbled into the wonderful world of song recording. If Britney could do it, hello! 

 

On a final note, I was reminiscing about the things I really miss. And to be honest – besides my friends I have everything here I had in America. The best cheese, gay sex, Dr. Pepper, and American television shows on DVD that money can buy. However, I do still feel incomplete. I yearn for Black People. I really, really, really miss black people. The Taiwanese are scared shitless of them because their only exposure to them has been from Hollywood films such as Boys in the Hood, Menace to Society, Friday, and of course television star Urkel. Can you blame them?    

 

Happy New Years Bitches.


Snakes on a motherfucking Philippines plane


 All in all, my two weeks spent in the Philippines in early September were a lovely and placid experience.  However, a couple of moments stood out.  As you may well be aware of my fear of everything; the worst case scenario of being confronted by my number two fear unfolded itself the other night [my number one fear being TV Evangelists].  I was minding my own business drinking a San Miguel in a hut next to my beach front bungalow and in an instant a pink snake fell from the ceiling and aggressively slithered on the table less than a feet from where I sat.  It took less than one second to access what was happening, trust me when I say I didn't need to re-examine my situation.  I've seen Snakes on a Plane one too many times to understand the plot line of such actions.  I ran like I never ran before.  And since then, adding to my already paranoid actions of checking toilet seats for black widow spiders whenever and wherever I squat - I now always check ceilings for snakes.  Yup, thank the Philippines for that one.

 Earlier in the day I had the opportunity to take a small boat into the longest underground river in the world.  It was amazing.  Only ruined, when we were instructed to look up with our mouths closed just in case the humidity loosened the bat stools a.k.a. bat shit caked on the ceiling since the turn of the century.  At this moment, I felt it appropriate to mutter, "Holy Bat Shit Batman." No on else laughed.

 After a painful 11 hour bus ride from southern Palawan to northern Palawan - we arrived in El Nido.  Heaven on a stick.  I was in so much pain from the demented bus journey that I decided to seek the services of a masseur, and that's when the trip turned slightly sexual.  I've always avoided massages in Vietnam because nine times out of ten, the happy ending   would only leave me crying.  But for some reason, I felt comfortable with the 50 something year old half blind Filipino female with a massage license massaging me, until half way through the session.  

  I was already on my stomach on the massage table laying with my head buried into a pillow when she began to pull my briefs down exposing my brilliantly toned cheeks.  Hey, when else can I brag? :) In this instant, I figured that she would be performing an ass massage - which was fine and dandy with me.  And just as that thought passed through my mind, she started to massage my feet with my underwear still pulled down.  Twelve minutes went by, and no ass action. She finished with the feet, pulled up my underwear, and began to massage my neck.  Maybe I had Dengue Fever and was hallucinating this moment, but did this lady just really spend twelve minutes massaging my feet and staring at my ass?  Will I get a discount for this?  How come all service providers in Asia take it upon themselves to molest me?  Remember the street barber in Vietnam?  The monk in Myanmar? To anybody else, these past exotic lines might sound exotic until you realize that I can show you on the doll where all three touched me.  

  El Nido itself is beautiful, but there really is nothing to do but sign up for boat tours and snorkel trips to view the extensive island chain.  A must see in El Nido - Bin Laden. He is really here.  It's spooky to think that he has successfully set up a profitable Internet cafe and still wears his turban daily.  I was itching to take a picture of him, for proof - but decided having a Jihad on my ass would cramp my style.

 Since we are on the subject of terrorism, you will delighted to know that the Islamic faction that has been terrorizing the Philippines have picked a lovely  acronym to represent themselves.  MILF.  For the one percent who might not get this North American slang term - google it. For the others, this is not an exaggeration and it stands for Militant Islamic Liberation Front.  

 My number one favorite memory from my trip was meeting an elderly Australian couple with a sailboat and manifesting thoughts of getting on their boat and reliving my spring break with my travel partner.  For days, I told my travel partner to only think thoughts about being on a boat.  I would do this as well.  If it was meant to be - one day we would find ourselves on a sailboat getting drunk.  And needless to say, one day we found ourselves on this boat getting TRASHED.  I think they have never seen anything like it and were having the time of their lives themselves.  I got to do my dirty stand up and every so often I would hear the elderly Australian female say, "That's a nice one."  And the elderly Australian male repeat to my travel buddy, "Where did you find this one?"  Best Spring Break ever.   

Reflections on Islam (Indonesia Sept. 2008)


  I  had the unique experience of visiting the most populated Muslim country (Indonesia) on God's green earth during Ramadan. For those not in the know - Ramadan is like Middle Eastern Jesus's Christmas celebration but instead of a Christmas feast and the obligatory screening of Charlie Browns the Great Christmas Tree - Ramadan consist of refraining from eating or drinking during the daylight hours over a period of 29 days. Of course this doesn't apply to the tourists. Oh god no!  
 
  Back to the tangent at hand.  I have always wanted to see Ramadan celebrated.  To an outsider, the first 26 days aren't the most festive of holidays.  It compares with Black History Month.  Black history month in Utah. Black History  Month in Utah before Obama.  Fortunately, on the tourist islands of Indonesia the locals are laid back and conditioned to being around obese westerners feeding their cause at all hours of the day.  So during my Ramadan tenure, I felt no tension.  However, on the first day of fasting I thought it would be honorable of me to try it.  I would attempt what most of my friends would see me as doing the impossible - withholding from the consumption of food until the sun went down.  Long story short, I lasted 3 hours.  On a side note - my stint as a vegan in the fall of 2004 lasted 4 hours.  And like veganism, when the 3-4 hour period was over I gorged myself until I was sick. I guess I just wasn't mean to be Muslim or vegan.      

  Now on to the many highlights of my 12 day trip in Indonesia - not in any particular order.  1) Never a fan of being on a beach, I didn't even like the movie, even though Leonardo Dicaprio had a tiny role in it - I did enjoy watching films at the impromptu beach theater while monkey butlers hand fed me bon bons and gado gado.   2) Accidentally partaking in psychedelic mushrooms with fellow pre-school teachers on a deserted track of island, frolicking in the sand, staring at the stars, to the soundtrack of the call to prayer aka Islamic Ramadan prayer chants being blared from loud speakers starting at 3 a.m. lasting for hours.  Christ on a rice cracker it was "trippy". 3) Getting my street cred back because of my new found limp caused by dancing on broken glass.  Everything has an upside and people here thought it was a surf injury and gave me free beer.  This was a nice send off before I trekked into the unknown land of duck embryos, 30 hour ferry rides, and Mister Doughnuts that is The Philippines.  But I’m a big girl, I can wipe myself.  Sometimes.  Looking back on it, this could have well been the only country I can’t remember getting molested by any of the locals.  Do monkeys count?    


Taiwan Part 1 - You are a dancing queen.


 

As far as finally going legit, I get the feeling my current business dealings are still just as illegal as my days in the mafia selling AVON.  Case in point – when starting at any school in Taiwan – management will advise you of the evacuation procedures.  “When you hear itsy bitsy spider on the loudspeakers and see the red light flashing in the back of the classroom next to the inspirational wet kitten poster that reads HANG IN THERE – follow the evacuation route rehearsed in orientation, and RUN.  As you well know, I’m all for the excitement of the underground railroad but who would of thought you could do time for teaching preschool?  What ya in for? Five year olds.  You?  Murder.  I would pay to have that conversation in jail with a leading member of an Asian gang.  I just hope it’s the five year olds that finally do me in. Not the 16 year olds.  

    

What bothers me the most about this situation is the dead on resemblance to another incident I played a part in three years ago in Bangkok at the infamous Thailand institution that is the Ping Pong Show.  You’d be sitting at your table watching the one of a kind performances of Serena and Venus Williams, probably not their real names – then you would see the red light flashing in the back of the bar next to the inspirational wet kitten poster that reads HANG IN THERE.  Abba’s “Dancing Queen” would then be blasted from the loudspeakers and the ping pong, candle, and series of razor blades tied to a long string act would come to an abrupt halt as the dancers would scurry off the stage like an English teacher running from the Taiwanese foreign affairs police.  As you sit at the bar listening to dancing queen, pondering the fate of Venus and Serena you might realize that your reality is not far off from the five year olds sitting in a teacherless classroom listening to itsy bitsy spider, possibly eating crayons by now.  I’m by no means Dr. Phil, but I’m certain that psychological implications are the byproducts of such experiences.  I can no longer listen to Abba, without fearing ping pong or vaginas for that matter.  But I wouldn’t hold Abba 100 percent accountable for my fear of vaginas.  More like 60 percent.  Could a generation of five year olds somewhere in Asia be destined to fear education when itsy bitsy spider makes its rounds in their subconscious?   

 

On a completely unrelated note, one such benefit of living abroad is the experience of learning a language in a practical setting.  I have dedicated myself to learning Chinese, also known as Mandarin in as many outlets as possible.  I take two – three hour classes a week and I also participate in language exchange.  This might be a new concept to some, it was for me.  So I will explain the basic principle of this idea.  Person A wants to learn Chinese and speaks English.  Person B wants to learn English and speaks Chinese. Neither, Person A or Person B has seven hundred US dollars to take a proper language course, so they post ads online to meet each other in coffee shops and parks to practice their speaking at no charge to either party.  It’s a great idea, in theory. Some have also said communism is a great idea in theory.  I have learned a lot so far from my language exchange partners.  I meet with 3 people a week for language exchange and it is pretty straightforward. However, like everything stemming from the internet, some people got mixed messages, most of my responses were, and I kid you not – “Hi, I’m 165 cm, 65 Kg, uncut, top. I would love to meet you for language exchange and share our language. I have attached sexy pictures.”  The world already has enough distractions; I don’t need to be learning a foreign language from a booty call.  Shockingly, and nothing shocks me in my old age, the majority of the responses were not far from that.  Taipei is the new San Francisco.  Of course, maybe I shouldn’t go looking for foreign language tutors on www.uncutchineseteachers.com.tw.       

 

I have much anticipation in regards of an opportunity that has presented itself to me.  You all know how much I hate children right?  Well I found another outlet, where I can make a lot of profit, and destroy some dreams in the process.  Triple word score.  Apparently, the Taiwanese go insane for Christmas, sparing no expense on providing an authentic holiday experience for their children.  And what is more authentic than a two hundred and fifty pound American dressed up as Santa Claus pocketing thirty dollars an hour promising gifts to children that he has no intention on delivering? Nothing I tell you. Nothing! Sure little Chang, you can have two dirt bikes for Christmas! How about a pony?!  You can do whatever you like with it. Ride it. Love it.  Eat it. It’s yours!  If there are any problems with delivery please have your parent’s contact my people and we can work it out.  Also, please don’t leave me those seaweed flavored cookies this year.  Santa has allergies.  Oatmeal. Can you say oatmeal?  Of course you can’t. You don’t speak English.  Take care now. Ba Bye. Off the lap kid. Ho Ho Ho.  Off the lap.  Ho Ho Ho.   If I pull this off, I will be a legend.  Why can’t Christmas come more than once a year?  

 

Well that’s just about it. Wait, one last matter to address and reminisce about.  Did you really think you could get away from reading an entire episode without any reference to my current sex life?  Of course you didn’t.  I’ve manage to have gone 27 years without finding my soul mate. I did have one close call in Mexico about six years back, with this local in the most out of the way village that has ever existed, who told me that he and other Mexican men, enjoyed shitting, more than having sex.  I’m not referring to shitting on another person mind you.  Even I’m not that open minded yet, give me another four years for that one. But more or less, in layman’s terms – he had more fun using the restroom than going to bed with someone.  Back in those days, when I was a crazy wide eyed idealist, I shared his view and thought I found my soul mate.  If only, that rusty Tijuannan fence wasn’t there holding us back from living out our dreams together in a two bathroom studio apartment on the border of Mexico and The United States.  Because of immigration issues our love fizzled, and I thought I wouldn’t find my soul mate again until recently when a random hookup turned rather interesting.

 

I have my moments where I don’t really care for established norms and customs and I either really shock and offend people or rally so much support on my side because I’m doing something that most people want to but just wouldn’t dream to do in public.  Well, I think I met my match.  Sometimes I enjoy talking about random world issues during sex; genocide in The Sudan, anorexia in child stars, and whatnot. Some people find it inappropriate. I look at it as just another dimension to the joys of multi-tasking.  Well I lucked out recently and met the sexiest man to ever walk this earth who does something a little more peculiar in bed than address “The United Nations viewpoint on the Sudan Issue.” I’m not making this up either. If I’m lying, I’m dying.  He finds it necessary to smoke and eat during sex.  Not during break times, but during the actual act.  You have to admit that for any multi-tasker that has to be the biggest turn on ever.  Right?  Of course it is.  I’m so happy that you agree with me.  I think I have finally found my soul mate.  Viva Taiwan.  Viva Taiwan.